Today was one of hills and valleys, especially in the sense
of intentional community. I struggled today because I didn’t feel wholly
understood, admired, or needed. I noticed myself both wanting to be sought
after and invited by everyone and simultaneously wanting to be free of
obligations to anyone. I caught myself thinking, “If I can just survive this
year, I’ll really start my life when the program ends.” This thought startled
me.
I am devoting this year to loving, to questioning, and to wondering. I wish to challenge my instincts, to care when I would rather give up, to learn when I would rather judge, and to open myself to amazement when I’m blinded by mundane. I want to learn and find everything this year and this community have to offer, but I need to become more humble to do it.
P.S. These photos are from our first community dinner. They have nothing to do with the blog post, but they're still nice :)
Survive this year? Surviving is the last adjective I want to
use to describe this year. I thought back to the day I learned of my acceptance
into the Life Together program. I literally jumped and danced around my room
with pure joy. I know this is where I am meant to be and I know I am not meant
to merely survive.
My thoughts shifted to all my previous goals and aspirations
for the year. I want to grow spiritually; I want to read and learn about
anything and everything; I want to experience culture; I want to travel; I want
to appreciate the wisdom of my housemates; I want to meet new people; I want to
reflect on my own passions.
This is not a year to survive, but rather one to come alive.
After these thoughts, something happened; I saw each of my
housemates in a light of love. Their strengths, faults, habits, and perspectives
remained the same, but I began to cherish them. Suddenly there was more beauty
in smiles, wisdom in differences, and humor in habits. Caught up in my blind
love for my house I marched downstairs and washed dishes that weren’t mine.
I have fallen in love with being in love. I don’t mean this
in a sappy or romantic sense. Instead, I have fallen in love with the idea of
looking for the lovable; the decision to be what is love. I have fallen in love
with the idea of caring to the extent that I become a much smaller part of the
equation.
I am devoting this year to loving, to questioning, and to wondering. I wish to challenge my instincts, to care when I would rather give up, to learn when I would rather judge, and to open myself to amazement when I’m blinded by mundane. I want to learn and find everything this year and this community have to offer, but I need to become more humble to do it.
P.S. These photos are from our first community dinner. They have nothing to do with the blog post, but they're still nice :)
No comments:
Post a Comment